That was a dramatic ending, I know but I wanted you to feel the impact that it had on me. Like I was asking for help and no one there to help me. I was literally in a mental institution and didn‘t know anything about it or how to intake the new life that might come my way. So many questions came across my head:
How long am I going to be here?
Are they going to drug me?
Am I going to be in a suit that ties my arms together?
Will I be in a white room with no windows?
This was a life change that I wasn’t ready for. Just picture yourself with no phone, no access to your personal items. Wearing a hospital outfit with your bottom out and socks that have a different color for the nurse to know how dangerous you are. During this whole time — they gave me the wrong color socks so the treatment was horrible compared to the others. I asked for two garments so I won’t have anything showing. I couldn’t even wear a bra because the wire can be used as a weapon and my own underwear was thrown out. I just didn’t feel safe anymore.
I think the worst part was being in there and the closest people to me are in a different state. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t have any visitors and had to share the phone with 12 other people. The food was the worst of the worst, I wouldn’t even share it with my dog. Another thing was it was coed without any privacy. I honestly cried until I could go to sleep. It was hard to accept what my life is now, and the ones that placed me in here get to say anything about me and turn me in and then go home to their warm bed. Not carrying what the hell they were going to do to me. It’s funny the anyone can turn you in and say anything for you to sound crazy. Please note I live alone and stay to myself so how is that even fair. Please be careful who you open up to or even place in public because you just literally place your life in their hands.
Check mate.
I think the only thing that keeps me from trying to find something to do to myself in the bathroom was the phone calls from all my family and friends that motivated me to keep my head up and fight through this. That was very helpful and brought me to reality like I don’t deserve to die especially not in here. But in the back of my head, I always thought that growing up they would have one less mouth to feed or one less person to worry about.
Would anyone miss me, like really?
Would they be better without me?
So many thoughts.
Once dinner came, there was an NBA game that was going to come on that evening that I remembered and I asked the guard to please change the channel to the game so I can at least enjoy something while being in here. But because we have curfew I couldn’t watch the whole game so I was disappointed. So I turned over in this hospital bed and tried to hold myself for comfort and keep saying in my head
“I can’t wait to go home”
I didn’t have so much appreciation for my bed before! And when I turned over I had a view of a female peeing on the floor on purpose and then I had to lay in the smell because they didn’t want to clean it up. I asked to be moved and they moved her instead and placed someone else next to me but instead of pee they didn’t digest the food really well so they threw the tray on the floor and threw up on the floor.
“Lord please help me”
This is when I knew I was not ready for this.
Good Night Eliza
Meaning Behind Your Smile 