Good morning or is it good. After my dinner last night the only thing I could think of is getting rid of this feeling that I have never felt before.
• I hope today is a better day
• I hope I can take advantage of the opportunities
that are given to me – the resources that are provided for me – the fool..well we could talk about that later at least it’s a roof over my head food in my body and clothes on my back. If you could hear the hear how I’m saying this – it’s the most confusing sarcasm tone in my voice. To the point I’m like – is it the best food – is the clothes on my back but I don’t wanna sound ungrateful because I could be the one on the street and or the ones that can’t at least take care of themselves. Let me turn the bad thoughts into good ones and take a step forward and breathe. I walk out the room with a smile on my face putting on this persona that I don’t understand why I do it but I do try to hide the feeling within me and try not to show how much pain, hurt and sadness that’s in my body but instead I show a smile on my face so I can share to the world that everything is going to be OK and I don’t want to bring down anybody and I mean nobody
• down to my level
• down to the pain that is going to my body
• down to the thoughts that I wanted you to know
I’m supposed to be able to improve so less stop thinking about that Eliza. I walked in a room looked around and saw everybody that’s up doing their normal routine. I come and say good morning with my Uncle grandpa’s voice. 🙂 But the way that I really wanna say yes hello is
• anybody feeling the same pain that I’m going through
• anybody walks and down the halls like why did I get myself into the situation
• do you ever think to yourself like am I ever going to be the same again after I leave this place.
The next thought in my head was well before I came in here – I was talking to somebody I was having enjoyment in the text I sent to this guy I was having so much enjoyment to the point I was so excited to see you for the first time. Were you still going think of me to say I haven’t talked to her In about -wait what day is it Thursday- in about 3 days? the matter thinks I blew you off you might just move on to the next person that you were texting in your direct message. Now in my head, I’m thinking like is it still going to work.
• Are you still gonna wait?
• Are you still gonna wonder why the h*** is she not texting me back?
• Are you gonna call me just to see if I pick up the phone just to see if I’m OK?
But stop worrying about other people realize to worry about yourself sh** that’s the reason why you are here in the 1st place. So my smile went to a frown I want to show the world that I’m not OK for once I wanted to show the world that I am hurting I am. I wanna cry and just nothing is coming out -the pressure in my head and hurt of the broken heart that I feel and no one to really talk to just another person to judge me on my mental. So I walked up to the people playing cards like we don’t do this every day. The nurses are there – I am thinking
are there any other games to play?
am I able to watch TV is there cable -enough for me to Watch Thursday Night Football?
because in the back of my head I remember the joy in my heart that I got when I realized my team is playing tonight and it’s against one of our rivals so I have to watch it. Now I feel like myself again I feel like Eliza once again just with that quick moment the joy felt great when I remembered that today is Thursday Night Football. It felt amazing and it’s only 9 o’clock in the morning so I got 12 hours to get myself ready for this excitement that I have myself prepare for. So I’ll bring out the checkers -I’ll bring out the games and I see there are missing pieces but it’s ok we go make this work right. The man nurse came in with the social media I say can I see your phone can I see how the world is out there? He said, “I’m not even supposed to have it out but what would you like to know?”
I ask how was the weather something simple something like is it raining? is it cold? Do I need to bring my Jacket cause once I’m leaving this place I want to make sure that I’m leaving this place and never coming back? I need to know how to prepare myself for this new world. He told me it’s all right but not with the most excitement in his voice like you don’t understand the type of words that you need to use for a place like this. We can barely see the Sun outside all I see is these Gray walls and they know of this but I would like to see some fresh air the Sun hitting my body or even a wind blowing in my ear just something. I haven’t felt so appreciative of mother nature since I’ve been here and it’s a whole new feeling. So I told him Hey you should look me up on social media I gotta show you guys what I like do when I’m not here. I play different sports I’m not saying that I’m good at it but I like to challenge my body to the point that I want to see what I’m capable of doing. I told them I Box my last post was a video. I posted right before I came here. People were shocked that I Box but they thought I was hitting people in a ring but it’s just a workout. Then I showed them and they said “damn you got an arm damn you look good.” and I say thank you but I’m not here for the compliments. I’m trying to find a way to cheer myself up but that should not be the way to cheer yourself up. You should not be able to get compliments or words of affirmation from somebody else to make sure that you feel better during that day -but it’s a good reminder but never depend on it. Then they wanted to know my story now I get to talk…
• I told them I’m young, not dumb but I’m young
• I feel like I’m gifted in certain ways
• I feel like that I have a positive mind but I also feel like my mind is not mature enough to handle the world that is given and provided for me
• I feel like that’s the reason why I’m here.
I grew up thinking the world is shaped and formed in one certain way and I was prepared for that but then once I saw something was out of place and or unbalanced
• people treating people in certain ways and getting away with it
• people do with things of people and they don’t really care
Once I saw that the world is not what I pictured my mind my body and my soul just started to crumble thinking like where am I.
• I’m young
• I’m gifted
• I’m black
I’m living in this world that I’m not preparing for -my mind is not prepared for. I need to get myself motivated to handle the obstacle courses that the world is provided for me I don’t want to keep stumbling over things and taken 5 steps back like I never even improved on anything. Yeah, I have had breakups so what everybody goes to bed but the thing about it- to treat people how you want to be treated and I feel like I keep them a model of in my head bolded to the point that I feel like this how my body should operate and I’m so nice to the point that people are not nice back and it hurts! Like I gave my all to somebody and it just hurts to the point that it feels like you use and abuse every little ounce of energy that I had to the point I didn’t have anymore. Once you were done with me you were done with me. I was grieving over a death hurt and a break up literally saw my life taken from me slowly, slowly, and slowly to the point I didn’t even want to get up in a morning. Laying on a floor crying to the point as something so joyful that would cheer me up didn’t anymore till a point that I hid my pain I just worked and I worked myself hard until I couldn’t handle the situation anymore. I was trying to hide the hurt -the reason why don’t do drugs to hide the pain. Sooner or later the pain’s gonna come back and you going have to figure out how to
• fix the pain
• fix the hurt
• fix the sadness
• fix everything about you that you don’t like.
So I work myself hard long hours cause I didn’t have anyone to come home to then on top of that I moved -it was hot because I didn’t have AC. So me being in the house was not something I wanted to do. I stayed outside I don’t even wanna come home after lie doesn’t issue I don’t wanna be home couldn’t even call my house a home. I didn’t even celebrate that I got an achievement when I’m under 30 sh** under 25 with the house of my own with no help. So to answer your question I’m here because I’m depressed am trying to figure out why I am and I’m trying to take advantage of opportunities here but it’s very hard when the people that you trust is nowhere to be found and I had to trust you guys and talk to you guys and I just feel a lot of judgemental comments and sayings behind my back -I’m paranoid.
• I feel alone
• I feel alone
I don’t feel lonely I feel alone there is a difference. Growing up in a city where you have a family but can you call them family. To the point that the ones that I call family are so far away from me I can’t even reach for them- pick up the phone or video chat them is not the same.
• I come home I cry and has nobody there to hold me
• I come home with happiness and I have no one to celebrate it with
• I come home I see my house empty and I just feel like that’s what I am like inside.
I don’t deserve these moments or stuff. My goal is to try to find happiness in my own way and not depending on other people even if it’s me sacrifices some things just to build my self back up again. I wanna be the old Eliza at that point I’m so happy that I’ll just cry about It. Have you ever cried because you’re happy? I have and hadn’t had this feeling in the while. But I don’t wanna talk anymore I gave you the little spill I gave you a thought a little meaning behind my smile but at the end, you still just don’t understand.
• I here sniffles
• I’m hearing cries
• I’m hearing damns
• I’m hearing wows
Now here comes the words of affirmation that people think that they need to hear. I don’t want to hear it I’m grateful for the words of affirmation but I just don’t wanna hear it anymore it’s just a cover-up what I’m really feeling yet it encourages me and makes me happy for that moment of time My pain is overpowering my happiness and I need to bring this down as much as possible. IT’S not enough where people can say, POSITIVE THINGS about me and make me feel better
• It has to be me saying the words about myself to make myself feel better
• It has to be the actions that I do to make myself feel better
• It has to be me to make myself feel better not you.
Nurse says: Your mind is totally different I can see why you don’t belong here I see that you need to get yourself better I need you to be better Eliza you shouldn’t be in here you should be happy with a dog in a house with a white picket fence with a husband and family. I want you to know that everybody deserves happiness in their own certain way but I know that money jewels are stuff that isn’t going to make me happy at all and I need to find out what it is. I’m a simple person who came up with a simple life I’ve been grateful for my whole life from the Downs and UPS because it made me who I am today. Look I’m just here to get the therapy that I need -the group discussions that I deserve and maybe just maybe the happiness that I deserve. I know it’s not gonna happen within a week- 24 hours- a month- A day but just within 24 hours every second or minute that I can make myself better will add up and it will get better over time. I just need to take it a step at a time and I need to let myself know that it’s not gonna happen overnight I do deserve better. While I was talking the nurse came in early before a group session was about to begin, she clapped for me and say this is the most I’ve ever heard from you since you been here and I appreciate you opening up and letting us hear your story. It is gonna be hard and I’m glad you understand that. I need you to take you day-by-day. I was shocked because I was just in my own world trying to give advice to the people around me. My question was, did they set me up to talk and how long was she standing there? But for once I need to listen to my own advice. I wanna make sure that I get the excitement and enjoyment out of life like -I was so excited to hear that my eagles were playing tonight and this was the most joy I had inside of me even though I didn’t realize where the h*** I was. She told me and said to everybody I need you guys to listen to each other stories maybe you can get some advice from everybody. I’m only here for an hour out if The day but you guys are in here for one reason. You guys have something to relate to
• take advantage of this group session
• take advantage of you guys being bunkmates or roommates
because you guys can help one another. Take advantage of your guys’ opportunity to tell your story. You never know what everyone is going through and it might be some light out there in a world that can motivate you guys to get outta here.
I like that I like that
Finally, some type of advice that I can put inside my pocket and carry around with me. For once I didn’t cry when I was telling him my story because I could be in a worse situation after hearing everybody else’s story. I guess this is doing something for me but at the end of the day I know I’m not gonna be the same once I leave. I’m afraid that the people that I love my friends or so-called friends may not even look at me the same. I might finally see the truth in people and know they are not good for me. I just can’t wait to start my new life and enjoy and appreciate the things that are around me. Take advantage of the positive things around me and not carry on with
• the ungratefulness of people
• the hurt that people try to provide
• the disrespect that people try to give !
Meaning Behind Your Smile 