It’s Friday, around this time I would be outside enjoying the weather or grabbing me a slushy from Sonic to reward me for finishing a week of work.
I wake up with the normal routine of everyday temperature and breakfast. But today was a different day. Once I was getting used to the members in my section they had to rearrange people around.
One of my favorite people to talk to, Grandpa had to move across the hall to the older group. Then moved two people to a different floor. We asked the nurses what was going on and they said they were making room for others to come in.
We received two new men one white guy named Zack and a black guy name Karl. Zack went through some life issues just like everyone else. But his girlfriend left him and turned him in saying that he was going to kill himself to the police because she cheated on him and was pregnant. She was fearful of her life thinking he would do something to her. He was educated and humbled and always asked questions about what was going on. I was the same way so I leaned towards him with talks
I didn’t hear Karl’s story but he was 2nd black male in the section so he landed near Andrew, Anna, and I. He came in looking like he was high on medication. I tried two to keep my distance as usual because I don’t know who he is and his background. But he kept coming up to me asking me questions and flirting. Trust me I was not interested.
Andrew, Anna, and I were playing Uno as usual and he asked to join in. Karl was out of it and couldn’t focus on the game. He proceeds to touch me on my arm and leg and I’m telling him to stop and he would not. I am not trying to cause a scene. So I dismissed myself and asked the nurse for the radio and went in the quiet room to listen to music. Once I got a nice station here to come someone coming into my space.
The room is small like a 1/2 bathroom. He kept doing what he was doing then the nurse asked him to leave. I had issues growing up with how to handle a situation where I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to cause issues, I also don’t want someone to get physical with me when I tell them No or stop. So growing up I would remove myself from the situation and stay silent, come up with multiple lines so I don’t have to do it – until they have an answer for everything to make it seem like I don’t have a choice. Or I would just submit to everything so I don’t make it worst. Taught my self to block memories out of my mind or blackout when things i feel uncomfortable with so I don’t feel to see what is going on to me.
I tried to do that but being inside of this hospital made me think anyone is capable of doing anything. The last thing I need is someone coming into my room while I am sleeping so I tried to play it safe and make sure I am on everyone’s good side.
The nurse came and asked me to come over. She was talking to me asking if I was ok and was he bothering me. I said I wasn’t trying to cause any trouble. She told me well if you are condoning it then you both will get in trouble. That’s the last thing I need to be in here longer. So I told her that yes he is touching me and following me, I’ve been keeping my distance or removing myself from the room. Just to terrified to stand up for me and tell him to stop.
I go back to the common area and Bishop asked me was he harassing me and not harassment but in my personal space. Like the only way, I could get away was to hide in my room. So Bishop and Andrew would walk with me or pull me away from Karl when they noticed that I was constantly pushing him away or saying something.
I don’t want to go into detail about what he was saying but to the point, he kept touching my thigh would mean it was inappropriate.
My roommate Anna had gotten assigned to a different section of the hospital and that would leave me as the only female with 10 guys in a common area with no supervision. She was the only one that I would lean on but now I am on my own. I am not saying I felt uncomfortable because I’m used to being the one female but outside of here I knew the men, in here its a whole different story.
I wanted to just lay in my bed but the therapist and nurse told me to be active in the common area so they can observe my behavior. Quicker I can leave.
When I was saying my goodbyes to my roommate they were in the middle of passing out medicine. When she called my name I remember the feeling the last time i took the medication. So I hid the medicine in my cheek since they are so big and then spit it out in the toilet right after. I just couldn’t feel like I’m a zombie especially now when I am in this predicament.
Zack was in line and asking what the medication was and why he need to take it. The same routine I did. But they treated him totally different. He refused to take the medication and rather go to court. But later they had 3 men come into the common area and took him to his room to force him to take his medication. He was resisting just asking a lot of questions. They went to take physical actions and shot him with a needle to knock him out.
I was terrified and fearful to ask a question on anything. This place was feeling unsafe every second. I didn’t have anyone to turn to or talk to. Didn’t want to call my family to have them worried and couldn’t go hide in my room and cry myself to sleep.
I officially feel alone & scared.
I just pray I can get through this.
I am weak
I am scared
Meaning Behind Your Smile 