I’ve seen a lot, heard a lot.
From hearing people stories and background on how they got into the hospital to see the patients mistreatment or untreated.
One person I thought was nice ended up being a racist-manipulator. He was only nice or sweet to get his way like he was helpless to waking up hearing him screaming and biting people. They needed 3 men to hold him down and lock him in a single room. He called the nurse I hated a bitch and Nigga. I was just thinking to myself I can’t put my guard down or feel any type of way for people here. I have to do what I need to do to get out.
This made me realize that I cater to a lot of people’s needs, worrying about what they think of me, or always having a helping hand. When I am in need, the room is silent quiet like I don’t exist. Like being someone plus 1 but never being spoken to, and left in your own corner. Even the one that brought you doesn’t even sit next to you or talk to you.
Alone like screaming for help and no one is there to listen. But my ears are like a dog and can hear everything, always there to cheer people up regardless of my feelings.
The nurse moved me to another section for my own safety, since I was the only female. I said goodbye to the guys I hung with or associated with. We said our goodbyes and Andrew was upset because I was the only one he talked to or played Uno with. I told him to keep his head up and focus on getting yourself together so you can get out.
I packed my belongings, even though it was just some paper I wrote on or drew on. They moved me across the hall, I was low key excited because I thought Anna was over here. But instead when I opened the doors the room was full of kids – middle school. You could see the smile of my face go upside down. I asked the nurse why this section, there isn’t any other sections in the building. The nurse said I will come and check on you from time to time. But this is where you will be for now on. I was so upset. Thinking to myself is this what they feel like I deserved.
It was getting close to dinner time, and I stayed in the lounge area watching Martin, stayed up as long as possible. I kept having kids come over to me asking me to draw them something since I was doodling. I was just reading my wonder woman book and my book to study for my license for work. Trying to keep my mind off of my environment. I’m trying to do calculus while someone was poking me with a pencil.
I’m looking at the nurses and they are on their phone or talking to their coworkers. Made me think that they had no hope and mental development being in here. I felt sorry I truly did.
I was able to see one of their activities for mental stimulation but it was just coloring, and I was low key jealous that they had every color you could think of. The kid in my eyes lit up.
While the night was coming to an end I wanted to take my usual long hot shower but my roommate was in there forever. I thought she had the same idea as me. So I sat in the common area and hours was going by. I asked the nurse to check on her because the room was flooded. She fell asleep with the water running. So I had to take a shower in the common area bathroom. The pressure was low and everything I just want to go to sleep.
I went into my room and lay down praying for this nightmare to be over. In the middle of the night, she woke up and stood over me from behind. All I heard was breathing and got scared. So I quickly woke up to defend myself, and it was my roommate breathing over me.
Daisy are you ok?
She said I want my mommy. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Feeling like she was dropped here with no communication or visualization of her family. I walked her to her bed and said they will be here tomorrow. Not knowing it is true, hate to lie to her but visitation was tomorrow so I was crossing my fingers that my ancestors were listening. I stayed up until she could go to sleep, rubbing her back and humming so she can feel the vibration. This always works for me, and I guess I’m not alone because it worked for her also.
I went to sleep… Finally
Visitation was today and it’s Saturday the weekend. The party I officially made it through the week. It was warming my heart that everyone had someone to see. We only get visitation twice a week, which isn’t enough. This gives us hope for the world outside. I asked my Ex to do the honors to visit me since I didn’t have anyone in Michigan. Just to see a familiar face. He said he will try, I knew I was asking a lot so I didn’t worry too much.
I was coloring and creating this design the therapist had us doing. I loved it and wanted to finish. It crumbled a piece of paper and color in the lines with all types of colors or Make a pattern of your liking. It was relaxing and I just say time-consuming. This took me two days to complete. I finished it and my Ex showed and I was happy to see someone I knew, little hope that someone cares despite the situation. But I knew it was just guilted him thinking it’s his fault I’m in here.
We talked and gave him updates. He could barely look at me, so I’m glad he came late with 1 hour left of visitation. He looked like he just woke up, but I asked him to check on my house for me for one last favor since he has done enough with bringing me books clothes and toiletries. The appreciation is high because I would be walking around with a gown from the hospital, or losing my mind with nothing to do.
I gave him the colored paper I made and he left it right where I exchanged it to him. I guess he didn’t want it.
I didn’t know how to feel once I came back from saying bye and seeing it still on the table.
I’m grateful and noted for the future.
The last thing I will do is get emotional about it. That my friend is growing because I would have been thinking too much about it and that’s the last thing I need right now is crying over a drawing that someone didn’t want and then relating it to us.
Oh my goodness I was pathetic.
I guess this the scene in the show or movie where the camera zooms out from behind watching me continuing to color while soft music is playing.
I will say I have been challenged and this was easier than I thought to pass. Shows that I’m over us and what could have been.
Time to focus on me, don’t you agree?
Meaning Behind Your Smile 