After hearing the news, I didn’t know what to do. I just feel the burst of energy that is keeping me up. Maybe it’s me anxiously waiting for the nurse to say ”Let’s Go!” Once I finally went to sleep, I felt the nurse gently wake me up and let me know that the time I have been waiting for, besides getting out of course, has come. If you could see me getting out of my bed so fast, cleaning myself up like I am going on a first date to meet someone.

While being inside it gave me that feeling of hope, just the little things gave me hope. From something simple as using crayons to color to getting an extra juice box. It will be the little things that people take for granted, that shows that they need to be humbled down. I placed my slides on and packed up my bag, notes and drawings. I asked the nurse if I could say good bye to the guys next door, and she agreed. I know I am not mentally on the same level as some of the guys but I had to show my appreciation and tell them thank you for keeping me company during this journey. I saw some tears and gave some hugs even though we were not able to touch one another. But just that simple friendly affection will push me forward, that simple hug, pat on the back or holding my hand can go a long way. The way I was talking to them was like I was getting out, here are all my snacks and items to remember me by exchange. I had to let them know I am not getting out but moving to a different floor.

Once the goodbyes were done, I finally got the courage to leave. I went to the elevator and all I could see are them waving at me and staring at me through the little window like I left them to rot. At this moment the doors were slowly closing and one tear dropped from my eye, now you know I love Denzel, but that was the last emotion I had left to show.

Yes it hurts to see them leave, but now I have to make new friends but I have to remember that I am here for myself. I should be use to the moving and meeting new people, but I honestly can say I don’t like the process. Telling my story again, slightly trusting new individuals hoping that my neck doesn’t get sliced in the middle of the night.

We finally made it to the floor and all you can see is construction workers in the hallway. This was the floor everyone was talking about, the new remodeled floor with the finer things in life. I didn’t know what to expect so I didn’t get my hopes up. I signed in with the new nurses and saw a familiar face. The one male nurse that let me see his phone to show him my Instagram video, was on this floor. He was the first person to say hello to me and I felt a little releaved. After signing in, he explained that someone will be happy to see you. I am thinking to myself I don’t know anyone here, maybe he has me mistaking by someone else. Then when I went to the common room I saw Anna. The first person I talked to when I first went to the hospital from my home – to her being my roommate in the next hospital – to us being seperated – to now being together again. We hugged like we were long lost sisters.

I was introduced to everyone and noticed that it was like heaven here. They had games that were brand new, people using pencils and pens, unlimited juices and more that one phone to call family. It was so amazing to be here, despite the situation. But like I said before, it is the little things. I honestly felt the warmth and security here and feel like if I have to stay longer, I think I would be ok. The living situation is not that bad. We were able to watch movies and eat popcorn and also the nurses were very friendly. This right here gave me some hope to keep pushing.

ELIZA IT IS GOING TO BE OK!

I immediately called my mom and told her what happened. Tried to explain the new living situation and let her know that I was going to be ok. We spoke to the doctor individually and he explained to me that In order for me to get out, I have to agree to see a therapist weekly and keep taking the medication that I prescribed. I am thinking to myself is that it. Is this all I need to do to get out. I will say yes to it all, if I can lay in my bed again. He approved me to be able to leave tomorrow afternoon after the paperwork is filed. When I tell you I tried so hard to hold my tears back so I wouldn’t show how I truly felt. I stood up and shook his hand out of respect, because in the back of my head I was calling him out of his name. Saying that his license need to be revoked and more. With me standing up and showing him respect is my way of apoligizing to him about all the wrong things I said or thought out of anger.

I didn’t tell Anna what the doctor told me until I heard about hers. She got upset that she has to stay one more day. I told her well at least we will be getting out a the same time. Didn’t want her to get upset that I was getting out before her. Wanted her to feel that it was ok. The nurse guy came in and said congratulations on the release tomorrow. I’m like damn shut up, you just blew my cover just like that. But he explained that he was speaking to the other nurses about my story and they were shocked. That I was so successful at a young age and should be happy and keeping my head up through this. But I explained yes I am grateful for where I am in life but at the end of the day that isn’t what makes me happy. I told them that when I bought my house this year I didn’t celebrate post pictures or even had a smile at signing.

Something like this I should be happy for the accomplishments but I wasn’t. I tried to tell them doesn’t matter how successfully high you get, you will always have issues or unhappiness. Like you can have everything you ever wanted but realizing you are still not happy. But being inside here made me appreciate things more, like a wake up call.

Anna changed the subject so fast and let me know to never forget about her. She let me know how much she has grown being around me and seeing my perspective of life. She want me to have her number so when she gets out she can be able to keep this friendship. I was a little iffy about exchanging numbers because I don’t know how she acts without supervision. But I took the chance and let her have mine, I told her to contact me when she get out.

“DINNER TIME”

Best words to my ears, food and apple juice, while watching a Halloween movie.
it is the little things.

Welp, I am finally done with my drawing – 6 episodes of Martin later.

The nice nurse came over to check on me, my smile was so big. She actually came, didn’t think she was going to come over, but she did -I am sorry I doubted her.

I told her about my night and she said well you can come over for your group therapy session, so you can be around people your age. I was like a bet- skipping with a smile. It’s the little things I tell you.

I come into the room and say did yall miss me. Andrew, Bishop, and Zack were the only people I recognized. They changed everyone around within 24 hours that’s crazy. But I was excited to play UNO again. I think Andrew was too because he looked like this sad puppy playing solitaire. It brightens up my day when I could put a smile on someone’s face.

Today was a music session, this lady brought in all types of musical instruments that we can play with. I saw a guitar and piano – I was excited. I didn’t want to play because I don’t remember enough to play in front of people. We got to choose music to play from get the phone instead and explain why we chose it. This was one exercise I didn’t want to participate in. I just wanted to listen and learn. Hear people’s point of view and I would say my two cents on what it means to me. I would say next to the yoga class we had this was memorable.

I was able to stay for Dinner and interact with the group long before I had to go back.

I called my mom – like any other day to give her an update. She told me she was planning to drive into town so I can have someone here. I was excited to hear and really happy to hear this.

She has been very helpful and handling all business life, by talking to my boss and checking on my house through the cameras. She has been mentally motivating me to get through this every step of the way. I know I didn’t tell her everything because I didn’t want her to worry but she was going to do that anyway. That I couldn’t imagine

I don’t want her to ever feel like she failed as a mother or it’s her fault I’m in here. I’m not mad at you, I love you and you are my Super Woman and never forget it.

I have issues and so does everyone else in the world, this is what makes me human. This experience has opened my eyes to reality and made me grateful for things that I couldn’t imagine, like sitting on my porch or even the feeling of working out.

Without you mom, I know I wouldn’t be who I am today. I couldn’t imagine being able to raise kids since I don’t have any of my own but

I am grateful

I am appreciative

I am thankful

Please don’t beat yourself up or think you are a failure. You are not! I owe you any & everything.

That simple 5-10 minute phone calls are valuable like our 5-6 hour conversations.

Well once our phone conversation came to an end, I was sent back to my section

– a fun time is over. I talked to the man in charge and asked will there be an opportunity for me to move to a different section or back to my original one. He told me he will work on it and let me know.

A few hours went by, after hearing all the drama from the nurses – something I would hear on the regular but I wasn’t complaining just listening like it was a sitcom. The manager came to me and said they have a new room for me downstairs, he was going to move me tomorrow morning. Jumping up and down in my sides – on the inside of course.

Went right to bed hoping for a new environment- just crossing my fingers it’s not the floor with the bad adults that fight all the time.

Said my prayer and laid my head down closing my eyes waiting for the nurse to wake me up out my sleep again.

Always having this thought in the back of my head like what if I don’t get out of this building and I stay as long as some of the patients for years. What if I belong here since I’m getting too comfortable.

Don’t think negative Eliza, please don’t

I’ve seen a lot, heard a lot.

From hearing people stories and background on how they got into the hospital to see the patients mistreatment or untreated.

One person I thought was nice ended up being a racist-manipulator. He was only nice or sweet to get his way like he was helpless to waking up hearing him screaming and biting people. They needed 3 men to hold him down and lock him in a single room. He called the nurse I hated a bitch and Nigga. I was just thinking to myself I can’t put my guard down or feel any type of way for people here. I have to do what I need to do to get out.

This made me realize that I cater to a lot of people’s needs, worrying about what they think of me, or always having a helping hand. When I am in need, the room is silent quiet like I don’t exist. Like being someone plus 1 but never being spoken to, and left in your own corner. Even the one that brought you doesn’t even sit next to you or talk to you.

Alone like screaming for help and no one is there to listen. But my ears are like a dog and can hear everything, always there to cheer people up regardless of my feelings.

The nurse moved me to another section for my own safety, since I was the only female. I said goodbye to the guys I hung with or associated with. We said our goodbyes and Andrew was upset because I was the only one he talked to or played Uno with. I told him to keep his head up and focus on getting yourself together so you can get out.

I packed my belongings, even though it was just some paper I wrote on or drew on. They moved me across the hall, I was low key excited because I thought Anna was over here. But instead when I opened the doors the room was full of kids – middle school. You could see the smile of my face go upside down. I asked the nurse why this section, there isn’t any other sections in the building. The nurse said I will come and check on you from time to time. But this is where you will be for now on. I was so upset. Thinking to myself is this what they feel like I deserved.

It was getting close to dinner time, and I stayed in the lounge area watching Martin, stayed up as long as possible. I kept having kids come over to me asking me to draw them something since I was doodling. I was just reading my wonder woman book and my book to study for my license for work. Trying to keep my mind off of my environment. I’m trying to do calculus while someone was poking me with a pencil.

I’m looking at the nurses and they are on their phone or talking to their coworkers. Made me think that they had no hope and mental development being in here. I felt sorry I truly did.

I was able to see one of their activities for mental stimulation but it was just coloring, and I was low key jealous that they had every color you could think of. The kid in my eyes lit up.

While the night was coming to an end I wanted to take my usual long hot shower but my roommate was in there forever. I thought she had the same idea as me. So I sat in the common area and hours was going by. I asked the nurse to check on her because the room was flooded. She fell asleep with the water running. So I had to take a shower in the common area bathroom. The pressure was low and everything I just want to go to sleep.

I went into my room and lay down praying for this nightmare to be over. In the middle of the night, she woke up and stood over me from behind. All I heard was breathing and got scared. So I quickly woke up to defend myself, and it was my roommate breathing over me.

Daisy are you ok?

She said I want my mommy. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Feeling like she was dropped here with no communication or visualization of her family. I walked her to her bed and said they will be here tomorrow. Not knowing it is true, hate to lie to her but visitation was tomorrow so I was crossing my fingers that my ancestors were listening. I stayed up until she could go to sleep, rubbing her back and humming so she can feel the vibration. This always works for me, and I guess I’m not alone because it worked for her also.

I went to sleep… Finally

Visitation was today and it’s Saturday the weekend. The party I officially made it through the week. It was warming my heart that everyone had someone to see. We only get visitation twice a week, which isn’t enough. This gives us hope for the world outside. I asked my Ex to do the honors to visit me since I didn’t have anyone in Michigan. Just to see a familiar face. He said he will try, I knew I was asking a lot so I didn’t worry too much.

I was coloring and creating this design the therapist had us doing. I loved it and wanted to finish. It crumbled a piece of paper and color in the lines with all types of colors or Make a pattern of your liking. It was relaxing and I just say time-consuming. This took me two days to complete. I finished it and my Ex showed and I was happy to see someone I knew, little hope that someone cares despite the situation. But I knew it was just guilted him thinking it’s his fault I’m in here.

We talked and gave him updates. He could barely look at me, so I’m glad he came late with 1 hour left of visitation. He looked like he just woke up, but I asked him to check on my house for me for one last favor since he has done enough with bringing me books clothes and toiletries. The appreciation is high because I would be walking around with a gown from the hospital, or losing my mind with nothing to do.

I gave him the colored paper I made and he left it right where I exchanged it to him. I guess he didn’t want it.

I didn’t know how to feel once I came back from saying bye and seeing it still on the table.

I’m grateful and noted for the future.

The last thing I will do is get emotional about it. That my friend is growing because I would have been thinking too much about it and that’s the last thing I need right now is crying over a drawing that someone didn’t want and then relating it to us.

Oh my goodness I was pathetic.

I guess this the scene in the show or movie where the camera zooms out from behind watching me continuing to color while soft music is playing.

I will say I have been challenged and this was easier than I thought to pass. Shows that I’m over us and what could have been.

Time to focus on me, don’t you agree?

It’s Friday, around this time I would be outside enjoying the weather or grabbing me a slushy from Sonic to reward me for finishing a week of work.

I wake up with the normal routine of everyday temperature and breakfast. But today was a different day. Once I was getting used to the members in my section they had to rearrange people around.

One of my favorite people to talk to, Grandpa had to move across the hall to the older group. Then moved two people to a different floor. We asked the nurses what was going on and they said they were making room for others to come in.

We received two new men one white guy named Zack and a black guy name Karl. Zack went through some life issues just like everyone else. But his girlfriend left him and turned him in saying that he was going to kill himself to the police because she cheated on him and was pregnant. She was fearful of her life thinking he would do something to her. He was educated and humbled and always asked questions about what was going on. I was the same way so I leaned towards him with talks

I didn’t hear Karl’s story but he was 2nd black male in the section so he landed near Andrew, Anna, and I. He came in looking like he was high on medication. I tried two to keep my distance as usual because I don’t know who he is and his background. But he kept coming up to me asking me questions and flirting. Trust me I was not interested.

Andrew, Anna, and I were playing Uno as usual and he asked to join in. Karl was out of it and couldn’t focus on the game. He proceeds to touch me on my arm and leg and I’m telling him to stop and he would not. I am not trying to cause a scene. So I dismissed myself and asked the nurse for the radio and went in the quiet room to listen to music. Once I got a nice station here to come someone coming into my space.

The room is small like a 1/2 bathroom. He kept doing what he was doing then the nurse asked him to leave. I had issues growing up with how to handle a situation where I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to cause issues, I also don’t want someone to get physical with me when I tell them No or stop. So growing up I would remove myself from the situation and stay silent, come up with multiple lines so I don’t have to do it – until they have an answer for everything to make it seem like I don’t have a choice. Or I would just submit to everything so I don’t make it worst. Taught my self to block memories out of my mind or blackout when things i feel uncomfortable with so I don’t feel to see what is going on to me.

I tried to do that but being inside of this hospital made me think anyone is capable of doing anything. The last thing I need is someone coming into my room while I am sleeping so I tried to play it safe and make sure I am on everyone’s good side.

The nurse came and asked me to come over. She was talking to me asking if I was ok and was he bothering me. I said I wasn’t trying to cause any trouble. She told me well if you are condoning it then you both will get in trouble. That’s the last thing I need to be in here longer. So I told her that yes he is touching me and following me, I’ve been keeping my distance or removing myself from the room. Just to terrified to stand up for me and tell him to stop.

I go back to the common area and Bishop asked me was he harassing me and not harassment but in my personal space. Like the only way, I could get away was to hide in my room. So Bishop and Andrew would walk with me or pull me away from Karl when they noticed that I was constantly pushing him away or saying something.

I don’t want to go into detail about what he was saying but to the point, he kept touching my thigh would mean it was inappropriate.

My roommate Anna had gotten assigned to a different section of the hospital and that would leave me as the only female with 10 guys in a common area with no supervision. She was the only one that I would lean on but now I am on my own. I am not saying I felt uncomfortable because I’m used to being the one female but outside of here I knew the men, in here its a whole different story.

I wanted to just lay in my bed but the therapist and nurse told me to be active in the common area so they can observe my behavior. Quicker I can leave.

When I was saying my goodbyes to my roommate they were in the middle of passing out medicine. When she called my name I remember the feeling the last time i took the medication. So I hid the medicine in my cheek since they are so big and then spit it out in the toilet right after. I just couldn’t feel like I’m a zombie especially now when I am in this predicament.

Zack was in line and asking what the medication was and why he need to take it. The same routine I did. But they treated him totally different. He refused to take the medication and rather go to court. But later they had 3 men come into the common area and took him to his room to force him to take his medication. He was resisting just asking a lot of questions. They went to take physical actions and shot him with a needle to knock him out.

I was terrified and fearful to ask a question on anything. This place was feeling unsafe every second. I didn’t have anyone to turn to or talk to. Didn’t want to call my family to have them worried and couldn’t go hide in my room and cry myself to sleep.

I officially feel alone & scared.

I just pray I can get through this.

I am weak

I am scared

ELIZA just hang tight it will be over soon.

Good morning or is it good. After my dinner last night the only thing I could think of is getting rid of this feeling that I have never felt before.

• I hope today is a better day

• I hope I can take advantage of the opportunities

that are given to me – the resources that are provided for me – the fool..well we could talk about that later at least it’s a roof over my head food in my body and clothes on my back. If you could hear the hear how I’m saying this – it’s the most confusing sarcasm tone in my voice. To the point I’m like – is it the best food – is the clothes on my back but I don’t wanna sound ungrateful because I could be the one on the street and or the ones that can’t at least take care of themselves. Let me turn the bad thoughts into good ones and take a step forward and breathe. I walk out the room with a smile on my face putting on this persona that I don’t understand why I do it but I do try to hide the feeling within me and try not to show how much pain, hurt and sadness that’s in my body but instead I show a smile on my face so I can share to the world that everything is going to be OK and I don’t want to bring down anybody and I mean nobody

• down to my level

• down to the pain that is going to my body

• down to the thoughts that I wanted you to know

I’m supposed to be able to improve so less stop thinking about that Eliza. I walked in a room looked around and saw everybody that’s up doing their normal routine. I come and say good morning with my Uncle grandpa’s voice. 🙂 But the way that I really wanna say yes hello is

• anybody feeling the same pain that I’m going through

• anybody walks and down the halls like why did I get myself into the situation

• do you ever think to yourself like am I ever going to be the same again after I leave this place.

The next thought in my head was well before I came in here – I was talking to somebody I was having enjoyment in the text I sent to this guy I was having so much enjoyment to the point I was so excited to see you for the first time. Were you still going think of me to say I haven’t talked to her In about -wait what day is it Thursday- in about 3 days? the matter thinks I blew you off you might just move on to the next person that you were texting in your direct message. Now in my head, I’m thinking like is it still going to work.

• Are you still gonna wait?

• Are you still gonna wonder why the h*** is she not texting me back?

• Are you gonna call me just to see if I pick up the phone just to see if I’m OK?

But stop worrying about other people realize to worry about yourself sh** that’s the reason why you are here in the 1st place. So my smile went to a frown I want to show the world that I’m not OK for once I wanted to show the world that I am hurting I am. I wanna cry and just nothing is coming out -the pressure in my head and hurt of the broken heart that I feel and no one to really talk to just another person to judge me on my mental. So I walked up to the people playing cards like we don’t do this every day. The nurses are there – I am thinking

are there any other games to play?

am I able to watch TV is there cable -enough for me to Watch Thursday Night Football?

because in the back of my head I remember the joy in my heart that I got when I realized my team is playing tonight and it’s against one of our rivals so I have to watch it. Now I feel like myself again I feel like Eliza once again just with that quick moment the joy felt great when I remembered that today is Thursday Night Football. It felt amazing and it’s only 9 o’clock in the morning so I got 12 hours to get myself ready for this excitement that I have myself prepare for. So I’ll bring out the checkers -I’ll bring out the games and I see there are missing pieces but it’s ok we go make this work right. The man nurse came in with the social media I say can I see your phone can I see how the world is out there? He said, “I’m not even supposed to have it out but what would you like to know?”

I ask how was the weather something simple something like is it raining? is it cold? Do I need to bring my Jacket cause once I’m leaving this place I want to make sure that I’m leaving this place and never coming back? I need to know how to prepare myself for this new world. He told me it’s all right but not with the most excitement in his voice like you don’t understand the type of words that you need to use for a place like this. We can barely see the Sun outside all I see is these Gray walls and they know of this but I would like to see some fresh air the Sun hitting my body or even a wind blowing in my ear just something. I haven’t felt so appreciative of mother nature since I’ve been here and it’s a whole new feeling. So I told him Hey you should look me up on social media I gotta show you guys what I like do when I’m not here. I play different sports I’m not saying that I’m good at it but I like to challenge my body to the point that I want to see what I’m capable of doing. I told them I Box my last post was a video. I posted right before I came here. People were shocked that I Box but they thought I was hitting people in a ring but it’s just a workout. Then I showed them and they said “damn you got an arm damn you look good.” and I say thank you but I’m not here for the compliments. I’m trying to find a way to cheer myself up but that should not be the way to cheer yourself up. You should not be able to get compliments or words of affirmation from somebody else to make sure that you feel better during that day -but it’s a good reminder but never depend on it. Then they wanted to know my story now I get to talk…

• I told them I’m young, not dumb but I’m young

• I feel like I’m gifted in certain ways

• I feel like that I have a positive mind but I also feel like my mind is not mature enough to handle the world that is given and provided for me

• I feel like that’s the reason why I’m here.

I grew up thinking the world is shaped and formed in one certain way and I was prepared for that but then once I saw something was out of place and or unbalanced

• people treating people in certain ways and getting away with it

• people do with things of people and they don’t really care

Once I saw that the world is not what I pictured my mind my body and my soul just started to crumble thinking like where am I.

• I’m young

• I’m gifted

• I’m black

I’m living in this world that I’m not preparing for -my mind is not prepared for. I need to get myself motivated to handle the obstacle courses that the world is provided for me I don’t want to keep stumbling over things and taken 5 steps back like I never even improved on anything. Yeah, I have had breakups so what everybody goes to bed but the thing about it- to treat people how you want to be treated and I feel like I keep them a model of in my head bolded to the point that I feel like this how my body should operate and I’m so nice to the point that people are not nice back and it hurts! Like I gave my all to somebody and it just hurts to the point that it feels like you use and abuse every little ounce of energy that I had to the point I didn’t have anymore. Once you were done with me you were done with me. I was grieving over a death hurt and a break up literally saw my life taken from me slowly, slowly, and slowly to the point I didn’t even want to get up in a morning. Laying on a floor crying to the point as something so joyful that would cheer me up didn’t anymore till a point that I hid my pain I just worked and I worked myself hard until I couldn’t handle the situation anymore. I was trying to hide the hurt -the reason why don’t do drugs to hide the pain. Sooner or later the pain’s gonna come back and you going have to figure out how to

• fix the pain

• fix the hurt

• fix the sadness

• fix everything about you that you don’t like.

So I work myself hard long hours cause I didn’t have anyone to come home to then on top of that I moved -it was hot because I didn’t have AC. So me being in the house was not something I wanted to do. I stayed outside I don’t even wanna come home after lie doesn’t issue I don’t wanna be home couldn’t even call my house a home. I didn’t even celebrate that I got an achievement when I’m under 30 sh** under 25 with the house of my own with no help. So to answer your question I’m here because I’m depressed am trying to figure out why I am and I’m trying to take advantage of opportunities here but it’s very hard when the people that you trust is nowhere to be found and I had to trust you guys and talk to you guys and I just feel a lot of judgemental comments and sayings behind my back -I’m paranoid.

• I feel alone

• I feel alone

I don’t feel lonely I feel alone there is a difference. Growing up in a city where you have a family but can you call them family. To the point that the ones that I call family are so far away from me I can’t even reach for them- pick up the phone or video chat them is not the same.

• I come home I cry and has nobody there to hold me

• I come home with happiness and I have no one to celebrate it with

• I come home I see my house empty and I just feel like that’s what I am like inside.

I don’t deserve these moments or stuff. My goal is to try to find happiness in my own way and not depending on other people even if it’s me sacrifices some things just to build my self back up again. I wanna be the old Eliza at that point I’m so happy that I’ll just cry about It. Have you ever cried because you’re happy? I have and hadn’t had this feeling in the while. But I don’t wanna talk anymore I gave you the little spill I gave you a thought a little meaning behind my smile but at the end, you still just don’t understand.

• I here sniffles

• I’m hearing cries

• I’m hearing damns

• I’m hearing wows

Now here comes the words of affirmation that people think that they need to hear. I don’t want to hear it I’m grateful for the words of affirmation but I just don’t wanna hear it anymore it’s just a cover-up what I’m really feeling yet it encourages me and makes me happy for that moment of time My pain is overpowering my happiness and I need to bring this down as much as possible. IT’S not enough where people can say, POSITIVE THINGS about me and make me feel better

• It has to be me saying the words about myself to make myself feel better

• It has to be the actions that I do to make myself feel better

• It has to be me to make myself feel better not you.

Nurse says: Your mind is totally different I can see why you don’t belong here I see that you need to get yourself better I need you to be better Eliza you shouldn’t be in here you should be happy with a dog in a house with a white picket fence with a husband and family. I want you to know that everybody deserves happiness in their own certain way but I know that money jewels are stuff that isn’t going to make me happy at all and I need to find out what it is. I’m a simple person who came up with a simple life I’ve been grateful for my whole life from the Downs and UPS because it made me who I am today. Look I’m just here to get the therapy that I need -the group discussions that I deserve and maybe just maybe the happiness that I deserve. I know it’s not gonna happen within a week- 24 hours- a month- A day but just within 24 hours every second or minute that I can make myself better will add up and it will get better over time. I just need to take it a step at a time and I need to let myself know that it’s not gonna happen overnight I do deserve better. While I was talking the nurse came in early before a group session was about to begin, she clapped for me and say this is the most I’ve ever heard from you since you been here and I appreciate you opening up and letting us hear your story. It is gonna be hard and I’m glad you understand that. I need you to take you day-by-day. I was shocked because I was just in my own world trying to give advice to the people around me. My question was, did they set me up to talk and how long was she standing there? But for once I need to listen to my own advice. I wanna make sure that I get the excitement and enjoyment out of life like -I was so excited to hear that my eagles were playing tonight and this was the most joy I had inside of me even though I didn’t realize where the h*** I was. She told me and said to everybody I need you guys to listen to each other stories maybe you can get some advice from everybody. I’m only here for an hour out if The day but you guys are in here for one reason. You guys have something to relate to

• take advantage of this group session

• take advantage of you guys being bunkmates or roommates

because you guys can help one another. Take advantage of your guys’ opportunity to tell your story. You never know what everyone is going through and it might be some light out there in a world that can motivate you guys to get outta here.

I like that I like that

Finally, some type of advice that I can put inside my pocket and carry around with me. For once I didn’t cry when I was telling him my story because I could be in a worse situation after hearing everybody else’s story. I guess this is doing something for me but at the end of the day I know I’m not gonna be the same once I leave. I’m afraid that the people that I love my friends or so-called friends may not even look at me the same. I might finally see the truth in people and know they are not good for me. I just can’t wait to start my new life and enjoy and appreciate the things that are around me. Take advantage of the positive things around me and not carry on with

• the ungratefulness of people

• the hurt that people try to provide

• the disrespect that people try to give !

I deserve better so do you!

It was like the feeling of getting your test back that you thought you studied hard for and knew you passed with confidence. Then to look at the paper and it’s the complete opposite. So as I sit down and read the paper I realize he proscribed me with medication while being in here. Everyone knows me I am stubborn when it comes to meds. I just don’t want my body to think that I need it to survive. I am stronger than this! Seen so many overdose stories I didn’t want to see anymore. We got a new nurse and she came up to me and asks me to sign some paperwork for me to take my medication before dinner. I ask what does this medication do. I was never told what it was and I would like to know more information about it before I take it. She told me that it’s Anti-depressants because that’s what your doctor told us to give you every day. So the doctor told yall that I am depressed and I need to take these medications to make my day go better.. I am so confused. How does medication make you feel better like I know it’s some type of unbalance stuff inside of me to make feel depressed but I feel like it’s more so this location -no paint on the walls no way to express myself but coloring with crayons is making me more depressed than my own situation outside if here. She got really upset and asked me to just sign the paper and take my medication. Understand that she can be upset if people keep costly asking her questions about the medication and she can’t give us more information about it. But I wanted to talk to her and tried to put her into my shoes and see how she feels about somebody just forcing pills down your throat and you don’t even know what you’re taking now I feel like my life is being threatened. But she didn’t take it that way. She basically told me I have 2 options

• 1st option is to take the medication and signed the paperwork stating that I gave you your medication today. I already didnt like that option so I Definitely asked for another one.

• With an attitude she gave me the 2nd option and told me well you can follow a complaint and take it to court but you won’t be able to leave until your court date is settled and the doctor approves you to leave so this can cause you to stay in here longer.

So I didnt like that one either- I’m not staying here longer period. In the back of my head, I really wanted to think that she’s just saying this so I could take the medication because nobody really wants to stay in here longer. So I asked her can I write down what the medication I’m taking and how much does it is. She compromised so I can get out of her face basically – but I’m not here to start issues I just needed to know some more information. So I wrote it down-took my medication and told my mom on the phone to look up what I’m taking so I can know. After I took the medication I started to feel weird like the world was still

• The feeling like I don’t hear anything

• THE FEELING like I’m just walking around and just in my head.

I don’t hear anything that is going on all around me and I just feel like I’m just dizzy like I just hit my head but I’m walking fine. I don’t know how to explain this like a drunk type of feel but you know when you’re drunk you really don’t feel pr at least you don’t remember. It was a feeling I just don’t think I would want any more. I was just looking at things like I was high but I wasn’t on drugs -but technically I was. Am I high is this what everybody feels when they smoke or take prescription medicine. I was even looking at the juice machine like I never have seen a juice machine before. WTF!

I try to bounce back but it just made me have no energy

• made me feel like I don’t wanna do anything

• made me feel like the total opposite of how I want to feel it

• made me feel like I just wanted to lay in my bed and look out the window.

This is weird, I look at the rain and said I can feel it. Just one pill made me feel like this. I don’t see it, I don’t see how I can be me and act like this. Are they saying that being myself is wrong and they are trying to fix it, correct it? I like me that’s all it matters. I got up and tried to fight it. Sat in the room played Uno like a normal day and prayed that this feeling will go away. I don’t want them to kill my spirits I don’t want to be a new Eliza I just…

Nurse: “Dinner time!”

Later on in the day I received a note that the doctor was here to examine everyone. I was excited to show that this is a big misunderstanding. The Doctor came over and called me into the room.

So tell me about yourself Eliza…

I’m single from NY and have not kids with a Degree. I work full time and workout 3-4x a week.

Before I could continue he interrupted me and said I don’t want you to think I’m judgemental, what you told me was nice and all but I didnt ask for a dating profile let alone a resume. I felt disrespected but confused at the same time.

Then he asked again tell me about yourself…

I said I was confused Doctor and trying to find out what you are truly asking. He told me to explain why I am here and do you think you should stay l longer. So in the back of my head, I was like he clearly has my file is this reverse psychology – is he waiting for me to match they are saying or catch me in a lie. I have watched too many criminal movies to know that the certain answer can get you out or keep you in longer.

I relaxed and told him how I felt. I am depressed and miserable at home. I live alone and feel like I don’t have any friends. I work constantly long hours and haven’t even celebrated or treated myself on my recent accomplishment of buying a house by myself. I didnt even tell anyone I just kept it to myself and my family. I just got out a relationship that I put my all in and show the love and support to someone that didnt deserve it. Drained me dry until there was nothing left of me and walked away. So Doc I am not ok, I don’t have any confidence or love for myself and this is why I am here.

Doctor said now this is what I needed from you. This was a test to see if you were going to tell me anything just to get out. He reviewed the ot bu wr doctors and nurse evaluation on me from both hospitals. He expressed that I originally said blamed someone else for my incarceration. Do you still feel this way?

My face was like yes but I told him that she was looking out for me. My post on social media was a cry for help not attention. I didnt know where to turn but honestly I never thought I would want to take my life, but just someone to come over and tell me it will be ok. I support others when they need it and when they are struggling but when it comes to my turn it was hard to find someone and I think that shouldn’t be right. I have been to the group sessions and she explained that this feeling I’m having is more of self hate than anything. I need to learn how to self motivate and self love myself before anyone. So when this time comes again you will know what to do to bounce back. It could be a simple as doing a special activity, taking yourself out on a date or even buying that dessert that you can eat while binge watching your favorite shows.

The doctor stopped writing for once and listen to my story. He was touched and said this is a great progress within the few days you have been in here. I am proud of you and I can tell you do have a positive head on your shoulder and want you to keep working. I will come back in 3 days and see how you are doing and then we can talk about releasing you.

I didn’t hear nothing but 3 DAYS. ITS ALREADY WEDNESDAY. I can’t stay here any longer. I just sighed and said ok, shoot there was nothing more I could do or say. It’s just weird that my life is still controlled by others than myself.

Just one phone call, complaint, or even an evaluation can change your life real quick. But I’ve notice you can’t be mad at the reaction YOUR INITIAL ACTION!