Bang Bang is all I heard on the door and I’m thinking to myself not this again. The nurse came in, the one I definitely hate. She comes in to take my blood pressure and my temperature and I’m thinking to myself why do you have to do this every night and especially while I’m sleepy. So I asked the nurse why do we have to go through this and

She said we have to make sure that our sleep patterns are the same and that our blood pressure is not high while we’re sleeping. Certain things happen while we’re sleeping so we try to make sure everybody is safe.

I call bulls**t but you know I just let them do their job. So once you wake me up I’m up so I went to the common area and waited for everybody else to get up and for our breakfast to be served.

I’m crossing my fingers hoping it’s something good. So I gravitate towards the pencils and the crayons and a blank sheet of paper and started drawing because I know that this will calm me down and make me sain again. I’m starting to hear people get up and hearing people complain that they’re hungry I don’t blame them because our dinner was trash so hopefully, they can surprise is with some type of omelet with some peppers, tomatoes, and bacon or at least some type of meat that’s real you know or at least some cereal brand that I can understand and know that it doesn’t have raisins in it because I hate raisins. Bishop and Andrew come in and said Hey Eliza how are you doing and I said I’m doing fine. Andrew comes over to me and asks me do I wanna play Uno I said sure. I know how I am, I’m very competitive but I try to make sure that I don’t break people’s confidence over a game so I let him win. I noticed that my mental strength is a little stronger than most but I tried to make sure that people’s self-esteem is not put down by a simple card game. So during a game when I had an opportunity to get UNO, I just kept picking up cards saying that I don’t have this color. It was fun playing games like checkers and chess then later drawing; it was very relaxing.

Breakfast was served and I’m crossing my fingers that it’s something good and look what you see it’s the pancake from McDonald’s that you warm up in a microwave and eggs that look like they were frozen solid but warm up Barely because I can still see an icicle in one of my roommate’s food. I ask can mines be warmed up and the lady said yes I can warm it up again for you. I said thank you!

While inside, there’s a set schedule that goes around:

1. Eat breakfast

2. You sit in a common area and socialize.

3. Participate I group session

4. Eat Lunch then repeat step 2 & 3

5. Eat Dinner then repeat step 2 & 3

6. Bed

They have basically written down your behaviors and without you being in a common area they can’t see how you ack with other people or with the nurses. the can’t evaluate you The faster they can evaluate you the faster you can get out. So I went to listen to some music on a radio trying to see if they had any station that I would enjoy. Later people were coming into the room trying to enjoy the music also since there was nothing on TV.

Then the nice nurse came in, I really love seeing her, it makes me feel safe – it makes me feel like someone cares.

She comes in and asks me is everything OK how was your night.

I said it’s OK I wish I was at home but you know how that is.

She said a good therapy session is about to start and its a group session that everybody talks about the topic you would want to participate in.

I asked when am I gonna see the doctor so I can get an evaluation

She said I will see when you’re scheduled for, but here’s my advice you need to sit around the common area socialize and get involved with any activities that they have for us because that’s gonna get you out here faster you have to play the game to get out.

I said what game wait I’m confused.

She said I noticed that you are mentally ill but not ill enough to be in here. You are the type of person that just needs a therapist and maybe someone to talk to rebuild your self-esteem. Some people in here are self-harm or to each other and I don’t see that with you. all I see is a bright future out there for you especially everything that you told me, what you have accomplished for your age. So I need you to play the game be socialize have a great evaluation and get out as fast as you can.

I told her I appreciate her advice

This means she cares – she’s helping me – she knows that I need help but not this type of help and the only thing that I rather do right now is to try to get out so I’m gonna listen to every advice she provided.

The therapist comes into the group session but everybody is not participating but I try to make sure that I’m participating as much as possible talking and responding to everything that she has to say. The 1st session was about reactions so she had us read a scenario and say how would you have reacted to this scenario. The scenarios that would maybe get somebody stressed out or kill themself. She wanted us to come up with other options or other ways for people to handle the situations. I tried to participate as much as possible gave at least an option that somebody didn’t bring up or try to think outside the box so people can have other options to choose besides killing themselves or killing that person.

The group appears to loves my answers, to the point that when therapy session was over they came to me for advice. I told them I’m not a certified therapist but if you give me a scenario probably give you my point of view on everything but I don’t want you to take my advice like this the only option that you have there are other pathways to success. Felt great that I helped – I felt that I had the purpose of being here and also learned different types of ways to handle my situations without panicking or even being paranoid. I think I could do this – I think I can get out – I think I can be sained again – be happy again – I think I can be Eliza once again I just got to win this game that’s being played.

Dinner was served and we had to sit in the common area. We had a TV and I got excited because some type of sport or show should be on. If i am going to be here I might as well make myself at home.

Some of the guys came up to use and gave us some of their food and complementing Anna and. I was saying thank you and just staying to myself. We spoke with Andrew and Bishup since they seemed cool. They was asking us where did we come from and our story. But I more interested in knowing why everyone else was in here. So I can prepare myself.

Andrew was a black male that love games. So while inside he has been keeping his cool with card games. He was in for trying to hurt himself.

Bishop was a white male that look like he was part of a gang but a sweet heart. He was in for thinking he don’t want to live anymore once he lost his family. He has been in an out of the hospitals.

Anna was in for threatening her mother saying she will hurt herself. They turned her in and haven’t been in contact with them since.

It’s so much pain in the room listening to the stories of others. When I told my story they felt bad but understood completely on their end. I try not to Express to much detail to protect myself.

I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror like I just got my hair pressed out and looking cute. But I have nothing here to keep my hair together. So I asked the nurses if they knew how to braid. Since the males had the male nurses helping the men shave or watching them while they do it since it was a sharp object and they didn’t want them hurting themselves or others. Unfortunately the nurses said we cant help you. But Anna came over and said she will help me.

She braided the top and just place the rest in a ponytail. She braided hard since my hair was super straight and hard to grip. I was ready for bed once she was done and took a book in my room and the nurse came by and said nothing needs to be in the room but your personal items. Anything besides that will be considered contraband. The last thing I need is to get in trouble.

I laid down and looked out the stormy glass window praying that I can fight through this and hopefully will come out sooner than I think. The only thing I was worried was about my job because I had so much responsibility to do this week and I didn’t show up without letting anyone know.

But then I said fuck it. I asked for a break and sleep from work and God blessed me with it. Let me finally do this. I have a bed food shelter and water. The roommates seemed cool and civilized so I might can fit in.

I wonder what they have in stored for us tomorrow.

Good Night Eliza!

We arrived at the hospital and I am still strapped to the bed. I asked kindly can I get out of the handcuffs, because I felt it was unnecessary to have both straps and handcuffs. The lady from the transportation company said we are just following protocol, and I told her you can check my profile and see I don’t need this type of treatment. Then I brought up Anna not having the same treatment as me. She brought up these ugly socks, and I told her they were supposed to get me some different color socks because they ran out of the correct color socks I was supposed to wear.

She finally looked at my file and said I will let you loose so you can feel comfortable. I am thinking it was going to be completely off the bed but I thought wrong. So she took the handcuffs off and I felt a little civilized. I asked can I use my phone while I wait for check-in and she said No, now you are pushing it.

I am thinking in my head:

• Why does Anna get to have special treatment?
• What did I do to deserve this treatment?
• Is she someone special?
• Is God punishing me?
• Do I deserve this? I think I do.

I was finally next to check in to the new hospital. The nurses asked me for all my personal information and were evaluating me. Then they said we have the perfect floor for you. I don’t if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Then I noticed I was following Anna to the same floor and so because she was treated like a queen coming in I thought I was going to somewhere decent at least. Shoot they might have stopped at a Burger King or something on the way here since we arrived at the same time and we left around 30 mins after them.

So I finally got to hold my items and see my phone because I wanted to write down phone numbers to call people and check to see if my security system was on at home ETC. While I was looking through my phone since they gave me 5 minutes. I saw tons of text messages from loved ones with encouragement. I think looking at them pushed me forward and put a little hope. But I saw a few messages from the girl that placed me in here and apologizing, then my mood switched up real quick and didn’t want to continue reading this.

The worker gave me a new wrist band, and I asked can we get visitation here? She said yes but only on Sunday and Tuesday. I was like well damn, today is Tuesday so I got excited but visitation is around noon. and it was 6 PM. There was no hope for me. I heard a TV and saw people walking around and watching us get checked in. So this was a little community.

When it was my turn to get checked out by the nurses, they took me in the bathroom and told me to strip, we have to inspect your body. I was confused because this female just kept staring at me like I was a piece of meat. So I went into the bathroom started to close the door and she slammed her hand on the door and said no we need this opened. I gave her this ugly look, and said well I need to use the restroom. She said hurry up.

I am already insecure about myself especially my body so now I have to strip naked in front of someone I barely know. She definitely didn’t make this situation comfortable and she didn’t care. She was so mean and demanding.

Mean Nurse: Hurry up we have to finish this evaluation

Give me one second

Eliza try not to cry and be strong soon this will be over.

I opened the door slowly like I was selling my body to someone. and I was covering myself the best way I can. It was freezing and you can see all my goosebumps and nipples poking out. So I kept my hand on my breast and then she told me to keep my hands to the side. I just left my head down and they were writing on a pad. What are they writing?

Mean Nurse: Turn around! — *Whispers* write this scar and bump

Why are they examing my body and touching me

Mean Nurse: What is this? — as she touches me on my butt

Those are dimples

Mean Nurse: Why do you have them there?

I didn’t answer

Then she touched me on my scars and they were in the most inappropriate places possible.

Mean Nurse: Are these stretch marks?

I didn’t answer

Mean Nurse: Well we are done. you have a nice shape body are you athletic.

I didn’t answer and just slowly placed my clothes on feeling degraded.

She gave Anna and I a tour of the location and where not to go or what to do. She said we have 3 meals a day and have activities. We have games and cards and a TV that you have to share with other members on the floor. I am looking around and noticed all the males staring at us. It was only 1 black male and 9 White males. We look at each other and noticed that we were alone for the female end. They were introducing themselves the best way they can.

My mind I am wondering where we were sleeping and hoping we have the same room because I can’t share with these horny men in here. She showed us our room and it was small like my college dorm and we shared a shower and bathroom in our room.

Mean Nurse: Make your self at home! Dinner will be here soon.

I sat in my bed and look outside the window and notice a basketball court. So I got excited but found out that we can’t use it. It is only for the people that work here. I just sat in my room and tried to register this the best way I can.

I went to make a phone call and told my mom where I am located now (While holding back my tears) telling here about my experience so far.

Mean Nurse: Hang up, dinner is here!

After eating lunch, I spoke with the nurse and asked am I able to get new socks or clothes so I can freshen up.

Nurse: Let me find your chart. It says here that you are in the wrong color, do you know why they provided you with red socks.

I told her no that’s the one they gave me when I first came to the hospital.

Nurse: Well, I have been observing you for a day now so I think they have this wrong

What do the socks mean, If you don’t mind me asking

Nurse: (whispers) Well each color has different meanings and Red is the worst color to have they will think you are in danger to others or can’t take care of yourself. So I will get you Yellow so they can lay off of you a little bit

Thank you so much!

In my head, I was thinking why would they treat anyone differently in the worst way while they are “suppose to be getting help” here. I don’t think this is helping someone mentally. I have to get out of here ASAP

I went to the bathroom to relax my nerves as much as possible and freshen up. We didn’t have showers so I had to clean myself up in the sink. That made me think about how did they clean up my bunkmate that had peed on herself. Let me focus so I can get out before the security guard comes back.

I left the bathroom and walked towards my bed and the nurse came by and said my name and this other girl’s name (Anna) for departure. They told us that the escorts will be here soon for discharge. We were looking at each other with excitement like we were getting out of here and going home. Then we started talking about food, and each other. She told me restaurants that I have never heard of so I wrote them down to take with me.

While waiting patiently I ask the nurse that help me before if they had paper or pencils so I can draw.

Nurse: since this is a mental hospital we can’t provide sharp objects so we have crayons that you can use.

I was like great something I can use to free my mind a little bit. Once someone saw me get the items, they thought they were treating me differently because someone else asked for something to do and they couldn’t even give them a magazine. I said we can share the items, I didn’t want to cause any issues because once the nurse told me the meaning behind the colored socks, I was trying to protect myself as much as possible.

We started coloring and drawing and people were coming to my end of the room asking me to draw things for them. I said sure it was something simple like Mickey Mouse. Instead of drawing for them, I taught the one girl that was leaving too (Anna) how to draw Mickey Mouse. I didn’t want to become overwhelmed drawing for everyone so, then I would lose the enjoyment of it. I love to teach so I thought I could use this opportunity to bring this out of me the best way I can.

She looked at me with the biggest smile possible

Anna: thank you for teaching me I always wanted to learn how to draw

You are welcome I am not the best but I just let my creativity come out and see what it produces. You should do the same you never know you might love it.

The escorts were coming and I am thinking we are leaving to go home. I said am I able to call someone to pick me up. They expressed to me that I wasn’t going home I was just getting discharged from this hospital to another one. So they came in with two ambulance beds and handcuffed me. We were strapped tight to the bed and then they placed our bags on the back of our beds. My smile earlier went to a frown real fast. I didn’t want to cry and show I am weak in front of these people. So we arrived at the ambulance, but I saw Anna with her phone talking to her family and I asked can I see mines and they told me no. Then I said why? Anna has her phone and able to talk to her peoples, all I want to do is call my mother and let her know that I am being transferred.

Constantly saying no and then told me there will be a phone that you can use when we get to the hospital. Then when they slammed the back door on me I looked down at my feet and realized I forgot to change my F**k’n Socks!!!

Now I see why I was treated differently with the handcuffs and not being able to use my phone.

I’m laying in the bed cold, feeling like I should have ended my life if I am going to go through this. But the only thing I am thinking about is WHY DID SHE CALL THE COPS why couldn’t I just get some peace at home.

What did she say that the doctors think I deserve this. Well, I am glad you got what you wanted, me laying in this hard bed with a nightgown that doesn’t even cover my whole body. I already feel insecure about myself, now I have to share this big room with 10 other people I don’t even know. Security is not out here 24/7 so the men can just walk around to the female side.

I’m nervous

I’m terrified

I don’t feel safe.

How is this helping someone mentally?

All this is doing is making me feel worst inside. And I already feel alone in a state that I don’t feel like I belong. With blood relatives that I can’t even call on if I need anything.

Friends — yea right they are the ones that put me here.

I’m in my head thinking over and over like, how can I get out of here. I don’t belong. Then two nurses came over in the middle of the night to talk to me and ask me if I am ok. I honestly said NO! with tears coming down my eyes like I don’t think I belong here.

When can I go home?

They told me after the doctor looks you over and approve you to leave. I was like good but I am blindsided by the comments that were left at the check-in.

You posted something on social media saying you were going to kill yourself. I looked like no I didn’t. Nothing I said on my post stated anything about I want to end my life. If I wanted to do it I would have done it already.

A voice inside saying “shut up – all they are going to do is twist your words”

Well the doctor came out and said your friend was worried about you and place you here for help. I told them my background and where I am from and I stay alone and have so many responsibilities I need to take care of. They heard my story and said that doesn’t mean anything, “the most successful people in the world can still be stressed or mentally unstable and end up killing themselves”

Well, I told them I can have a reference that I trust and talk to you to tell you about how I am as an individual. I am thinking this would help me get out quicker. And after their conversation they just told me thanks for your reference we will evaluate everything and let you know.
• They evaluated my behavior while being in the hospital compared to the others
• They evaluated my behavior with the police

• They evaluated my responses to their answers

• Took my references

• Looked at the statement that was left at the front desk when I checked in

Two out of five things I have control over, so it’s all down to people that don’t know much about me or even came over to visit me on a daily.

Final Verdict

We looked over everything and we are going to transfer you to a different hospital that will be able to help you through your situation. There are mental professionals that will work with you and look you over to make sure you are good to go.

My head is down and I feel defeated like there is no hope for me. Why is God doing this to me, why am I going through this?

There were a few comments that we highlighted for the next doctors to take a look at

May I ask what they are

• You were going to kill yourself or in danger to harm yourself

• You don’t keep up with your health physically

• Posting hurtful things on social media that would alert multiple eyes to see

We will let you know when you are transferred to the next facility, in the meanwhile get ready for lunch

“Can I make a phone call first”

Security: NO! the phone is off while we are eating take a seat in your bed, don’t let me say it twice.

“Why are you talking to me like that”

Security: Sit down, I am being nice, don’t let me get angry

I took a deep breath, and just starred at the security guard while my bunkmate is just drooling like she was helpless. I went to the bathroom and cried on the floor until lunch was over, well that was the plan.

Security: That’s enough time in there, saying my name wrong — Total disrespect while banging on the door

Then forced me to my bed and stood over me asking me to eat and I refused, there wasn’t anything appetizing for me to eat.

I asked nicely can I get some room, I am not feeling well right now.

The 2nd shift guard came in a told him, you don’t have to worry about her she isn’t like the others, let her process everything she just found out she was staying in here longer.

I said thank you and tried to eat this frozen PB&J

I need to get some different socks

That was a dramatic ending, I know but I wanted you to feel the impact that it had on me. Like I was asking for help and no one there to help me. I was literally in a mental institution and didn‘t know anything about it or how to intake the new life that might come my way. So many questions came across my head:

How long am I going to be here?

Are they going to drug me?

Am I going to be in a suit that ties my arms together?

Will I be in a white room with no windows?

This was a life change that I wasn’t ready for. Just picture yourself with no phone, no access to your personal items. Wearing a hospital outfit with your bottom out and socks that have a different color for the nurse to know how dangerous you are. During this whole time — they gave me the wrong color socks so the treatment was horrible compared to the others. I asked for two garments so I won’t have anything showing. I couldn’t even wear a bra because the wire can be used as a weapon and my own underwear was thrown out. I just didn’t feel safe anymore.

I think the worst part was being in there and the closest people to me are in a different state. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t have any visitors and had to share the phone with 12 other people. The food was the worst of the worst, I wouldn’t even share it with my dog. Another thing was it was coed without any privacy. I honestly cried until I could go to sleep. It was hard to accept what my life is now, and the ones that placed me in here get to say anything about me and turn me in and then go home to their warm bed. Not carrying what the hell they were going to do to me. It’s funny the anyone can turn you in and say anything for you to sound crazy. Please note I live alone and stay to myself so how is that even fair. Please be careful who you open up to or even place in public because you just literally place your life in their hands.

Check mate.

I think the only thing that keeps me from trying to find something to do to myself in the bathroom was the phone calls from all my family and friends that motivated me to keep my head up and fight through this. That was very helpful and brought me to reality like I don’t deserve to die especially not in here. But in the back of my head, I always thought that growing up they would have one less mouth to feed or one less person to worry about.

Would anyone miss me, like really?

Would they be better without me?

So many thoughts.

Once dinner came, there was an NBA game that was going to come on that evening that I remembered and I asked the guard to please change the channel to the game so I can at least enjoy something while being in here. But because we have curfew I couldn’t watch the whole game so I was disappointed. So I turned over in this hospital bed and tried to hold myself for comfort and keep saying in my head

“I can’t wait to go home”

I didn’t have so much appreciation for my bed before! And when I turned over I had a view of a female peeing on the floor on purpose and then I had to lay in the smell because they didn’t want to clean it up. I asked to be moved and they moved her instead and placed someone else next to me but instead of pee they didn’t digest the food really well so they threw the tray on the floor and threw up on the floor.

“Lord please help me”

This is when I knew I was not ready for this.

Good Night Eliza

Well sorry to scare you on the first chapter but just wanted to give you a sample of my thoughts and actions throughout my life.

Well let’s talk more about me, I moved here a few years ago and barely have a group of people that I call friends. I am new to the area and try to keep most of my close associates around.

This next day I woke up and went to work, feeling great from this past weekend: went to a baby shower to support. I created a box of baby items but decorated the tote so she can also use it in the future! My new way of making party gifts! She loved it and enjoyed myself.

Well Today started off as a normal day went to work as usual but something changed. I went in my phone and contacted an individual that I shouldn’t even give the time of day to. Asking for closure but told me

“You need to stop asking the same questions”

“Move on”

“Why are you doing this”

I am just thinking to myself I never got closure and can’t move on when I hear different reasonings why we departed. Back in my head I was thinking

“What I do wrong”

“Was I not good enough”

“But I did everything you wanted and gave you everything you wanted out of a women”

“Do I not look good enough”

“Is it someone else?”

So many more, but i took it to heart. I felt used I felt unwanted I felt alone. So i cried in the car, barely holding myself together trying to focus on this 30 miles to home.

Don’t Cry Eliza

I called my female friend and let her know I had to cancel our gym plans that day. My emotional self posted a facebook post, PLEASE NEVER USE SOCIAL MEDIA AS A VENTING LOCATION!

I turned my phone off and turned my security cameras off and moved to my tub. Cried alone holding myself. Having horrible thoughts going through my head. I wanted to kill myself didn’t want to be bothered just wanted my pain to go away.

Don’t Die Eliza

I gained a migraine from crying so much — I could of filled my tub with my tears. So I held myself and went to sleep, hopefully I can wake up and move on from this.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

I Didn’t hear anything

*BANG BANG*

I got up from me passing out and went to the door no one was there. I turned my phone back on and saw missed calls, voicemails and messages. Found out that someone that I am friends with on social media called the police because they were nervous from my post. I was too late to tell them don’t.

The cops and social media friend ended up at my door. I sat down rubbing my head like WTF, but still filling the migraine like I had a hangover.

Cop: “Do you know where you are?”

Me: “YES”

Cop: “Why did you turn security system off”

Me: “Didn’t want to be disturbed by my mother”

Cop: “Why did you ignore your friends and family calls”

Me: “Just wanted to be alone”

Cop: “Have you taken any drugs”

Me: “No”

Cop: “Why is this bleach on the table”

Me: “Trying to wash clothes”

Cop: “Did you have thoughts of hurting yourself”

I paused and thought do I say the truth – it was just a thought but myself was not thinking straight I just want to go back to sleep and get everyone out the house. So you guessed it I said “Yes” I am thinking I can answer the questions and go back to bed. But that’s not the case

Cop: “Well I think you should come with us to get checked out”

I am thinking that we going to the hospital to get a physical and bounce. So yes I agreed.

Grabbed my personal items and hopped in the vehicle. During the whole police conversation I was in the room with my social media friend and my mom on the phone. But I was texting the person that made this story start. Why would I think he would answer my calls or text when I’m in need when they left me in person when I needed them the most feeling weak and stressed and crying on the floor. Friends my Ass!

I get in the cop car, they asking me do I rent, where I work and etc. NOISY!

I get to the hospital and we go through a different entrance and not emergency. The lady was not asking me any questions just want my name and birthdate. Dismissed me to the back while the cops and this stranger answer questions for me and about me. I don’t understand.

I got taken to the back, they tell me to take my clothes off and place them in a bag along with my phone and wallet. Told me to write down some numbers I might need.

At this point I’m so confused I went through so many ER exchanges and this was out of the ordinary. I followed the instructions and then I’m sitting in a cold seat hungry and tired. I glanced at a room with individuals that look mentally unstable. So I’m confused like I think I’m in the wrong section

Then the nurse said follow me and we went through the same doors. I asked to use the phone and call my mom and the nurse said no there is only one phone for everyone to use. So I was thinking with my mind at the moment, well I’m out of state will this land line call it she said no so they let me use a different one.

I called my mom and told her everything along with my brother. I asked the nurse when the doctor was coming in to check on me so I can head home and head to work tomorrow.

I have so much to do and planned this weak and the last thing I need is my boss thinking I stood him up.

The nurse told me “ma’am I can tell you haven’t been here before, but she said you can’t leave until the doctor approves you and he won’t be in until tomorrow. ”

Welcome to the Insane Asylum!

Lights out!

Good Night Eliza!